Episode 4 - Little brown babies

Hey folks. Spring is finally in the air in the Northern Hemisphere and so while I may be thinking about cleaning, getting outside, exercising and really just dusting off those Winter-induced (metaphorical) cob-webs... to others Spring is about rebirth and new life. And to my great chagrin, my creating new life. As most of my friends and family seem to enjoy reminding me of late: I'm not that young - oh horror of horrors - I'm in my mid-thirties! My time is running out. My clock is ticking. My eggs won't last forever. Quite honestly, my eggs should not be anyone's business but my own, right?!

Society has this way of making us feel like we don't fit in if we don't follow the formula. Really, I don't think I've ever fit in. I've always been the 'brown' sheep (see what I did there?! hehe) of the family, the circle of friends, the town. The natural progression of life, as deemed appropriate by 'society' is that you're supposed to finish high school, go to college, work hard (to pay off your ridiculous student loans), meet someone, marry, keep working super hard (so you can buy a house), buy a house, have babies, and then live happily ever after. And the happily-ever-after picture includes your parents and parents-in-law because it does not matter what you have done up to this point - it is only once you have endowed them with grandchildren, that you have truly made them proud and happy!

I have never fit into this mold. I didn't go to university when all my friends did. I traveled and worked and saved up. (And straight out of high school, you never really know what you want to study anyway. I recommend allowing your kids to take a gap year after high school. Many people think it's a waste of time, but so is spending two years at university and then dropping out because you're unhappy with your subject of choice.) So, when I was finally graduating from college, my friends had already met their significant others and were planning their weddings. Again, instead of the people around me applauding my different path, they kept reminding me of how behind everyone else I was.

Fast forward to a few years ago (when most people my age had kids in primary school already) when I finally got married... in my thirties! I had, by then, heard it all. And even though it was meant to sound like advice or pity, it was just plain nasty. How sad it was that someone so smart and so pretty couldn't find a man. I wasn't looking hard enough. I should drop the whole tough, independent thing - men don't like that! It seemed like everyone was convinced that I just wanted to be different or that I was trying to spite the institution of marriage by not being wed any sooner. I really just hadn't met anyone worthwhile until then. Could that have been a possibility?! Luckily, I found a man who appreciates the old, tough, non-baby-bearing me just as I am right now.

Funnily enough, I have always wanted children. Since I was thirteen and my first niece was born, I have wanted to be a mother. I mentioned that in a conversation with some friends once, and was called selfish. Granted, these friends have chosen not to have children ever and prefer pets to kids. But then I was talking to a friend who has so many kids and not a single moment to herself, and she called me selfish also. I don't get it. Who's right? And who is wrong? The woman who chooses to have cats and dogs over children thinks she's better than everyone else, but so does the woman who has 4 children and no sleep. And somehow, the woman who has been responsible and waited (and wants to have kids but maybe just 2) is the one being called self-centered and judged for her choices.

Yes, as a woman gets older it gets harder to conceive, but these days there are so many options. In-vitro, egg donors, adoption. And I generalise and say that society judges us for having too many babies or not having babies sooner, but really, 'society' is made up of our friends and family. My husband and I have spent time trying to explain ourselves and our choices, but ultimately, the operative word here is OUR. I've learnt that no matter where you go, no matter how old you get, no matter whether you come from a brown family or a white family, the pressures are all the same. Instead of getting frustrated every time someone brings up having kids or not having kids, I try to laugh about it. If someone has a cat or dog and says they'll never have kids, I say that's probably for the best. And if the person has 3 or more kids, I say that they probably have enough for the both of us. :)

Episode 3 - Lazy brown girl

I apologise for my hiatus, dear readers. I could make excuses for not writing these past 3 months, but the truth is that I am lazy and an extreme procrastinator. If procrastination was a sport, I would be breaking world records!

I do feel like I should explain myself. After I began this blog, I had wanted my next post to be about Nelson Mandela and what he had done for me personally. I had written a letter to him after attending his memorial service at the Riverside Church... but it was too soon and I couldn't share it with you. Then I went home for a few weeks and thought I would write about the trip and how I always feel like a visitor, no matter where I am. But I needed time to process all that instead of ranting about my feelings, so I put that off. 

Next, we packed up our old apartment and moved and I wanted to share that too but it would have been a really boring post, so I waited for something exciting to happen. (Are you seeing the lame excuse pattern here?) And then something extraordinary did happen but I was far too overwhelmed to write about it. I returned to Brasil after 16 years and got to see old friends that I really thought I would never get to see again.

Since that trip, I have found all sorts of excuses for not writing. This is what it comes down to: a) I am lazy, b) I judge myself so harshly that I am afraid to fail even before I begin and c) I should be doing this because it makes me happy. Now that I have learnt this, I am going to try to change these negative attitudes. I am going to start a writing schedule and stick to it (hopefully). I know that I am my own worst critic and will try not to listen to that nasty voice inside that tells me I can't do something. 

I could try to blame my laziness and fears on my parents or my siblings or the Apartheid government (haha) but ultimately these weaknesses are mine and I have to take responsibility for them. I think we prefer to blame our shortcomings on someone else so that we don't have to deal with them. I'm not saying we should only focus on our imperfections and flaws. But if there's something in the way of your happiness and success, and that something is you, why not fix it? So, that's what I'm going to attempt to do. No more lazy brown girl!